Sunday, November 1, 2009

My inspiration...

My inspiration for this blog arises out of my everyday experiences with my 63 year old grandmother. A little background so we don't start from the middle... My grandmother was born... thus began the story. She began smoking at the age of 12 and smoked like a chimney every day since. At the age of 16 she gave birth to my mother. My mother has turned out quite normal. She then had one more girl a few years later, who also turned out...ok. And finally had one boy that is now the mortician of the valley...take that one for what it's worth. Six years ago she became a widow, although we think she may have made that choice by her own actions, but the police cannot prove anything. The dog seems to know "something". Grandma just wont let her "talk". Three years ago she bought a $600 cat that we will just call "the cat" for privacy purposes. Following the cat came the cat's own cellphone and phone line. Over the years grandma has taught herself to text. She then became so infatuated with texting that she started sending us texts from her cat. Example: "Dis bees da kat Mes moms says yous guys betteers bwings hwer hwer cigarettes bawk."

A few stories from the past I would like to share about her. When I was just an infant my family drove down to visit my grandparents on Halloween. When we arrived at the house we were surprised to find that she had made a full out Thanksgiving dinner. As we were sitting down to eat the doorbell kept ringing. As grandma opened the door she found several little kids in costumes. Her reply "DAMN TRICK-OR-TREATERS!!! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE THANKSGIVING DINNER!"

Another time, when I was 12, I had spent a couple hours at her house playing pool with her and watching Celine Dion. As she was driving me home her pajama pocket started smoking. I exclaimed "GRANDMA! YOUR SMOKING!" her reply "Damn right i'm smoking!", refering to her cigarette in her mouth. As I looked down again a little flame burst out of her pocket and I said "GRANDMA!" she looked at her breast that was now on fire and calmly said "Danget! These were my favorite pajamas!" she then proceded to slowly pull off the side of the road and put out the fire. By this point a hole had burned through her pajamas and started to burn through her bra, thankfully it didn't get that far. She then said "well maybe I can get a cute daisy patch or something to go over it." I replied "Ya!Or a no smoking patch!"

I love my grandma. She brings laughter into my life and the lives of my family. I started this blog to share the funny stories and laughter in hopes that all readers with a crazy relative might get some enjoyment.

For the protection of the innocent... I would like to keep this blog anonymous. I will not use any specific names of family members, police officers, pets, doctors, lawyers, IRS agents, jury members, housemaids, or political affiliates.