Sunday, April 18, 2010

Oh Grandma...

So my grandmother, being much to old for her age, has many doctors appointments. Most times, she is to tired to get dressed and go to those appts. One day she told us her appt was canceled. We later found out, from the doctors office that Grandma had called in and told them "Some dang hooligans slashed all four of my tires on my car!" We later drove down to her house to see all four tires, in perfect condition. Some other excuses we have heard ...
"Oh, I thought it was tomorrow..."
"Ugh... I have some serious diarhea, I can't leave the toilet" (We later saw her sitting on her recliner having a cigarette)

Although grandma may very well be a good cook... the smoke, and her lack of concentration ruins the food...
The other night I went to grandmas. She told me she was supposed to make bread for something the next day. I told her she better get moving, her reply "Well I started about 4 days ago, but I dont think i'll get it done by tomorrow". Now I may not be a chef.. but you cant take 4 days to make bread can you???
One week a couple months ago grandma was making clam chowder. I went down to her house on a monday to find her peeling potatoes on her tv stand in the living room next to the ash tray. 3 weeks later we finally got the finished product of clam chowder, yes, with the same potatoes from 3 weeks before.

Oh grandma...what would we do without you..

Sunday, November 1, 2009

My inspiration...

My inspiration for this blog arises out of my everyday experiences with my 63 year old grandmother. A little background so we don't start from the middle... My grandmother was born... thus began the story. She began smoking at the age of 12 and smoked like a chimney every day since. At the age of 16 she gave birth to my mother. My mother has turned out quite normal. She then had one more girl a few years later, who also turned out...ok. And finally had one boy that is now the mortician of the valley...take that one for what it's worth. Six years ago she became a widow, although we think she may have made that choice by her own actions, but the police cannot prove anything. The dog seems to know "something". Grandma just wont let her "talk". Three years ago she bought a $600 cat that we will just call "the cat" for privacy purposes. Following the cat came the cat's own cellphone and phone line. Over the years grandma has taught herself to text. She then became so infatuated with texting that she started sending us texts from her cat. Example: "Dis bees da kat Mes moms says yous guys betteers bwings hwer hwer cigarettes bawk."

A few stories from the past I would like to share about her. When I was just an infant my family drove down to visit my grandparents on Halloween. When we arrived at the house we were surprised to find that she had made a full out Thanksgiving dinner. As we were sitting down to eat the doorbell kept ringing. As grandma opened the door she found several little kids in costumes. Her reply "DAMN TRICK-OR-TREATERS!!! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE THANKSGIVING DINNER!"

Another time, when I was 12, I had spent a couple hours at her house playing pool with her and watching Celine Dion. As she was driving me home her pajama pocket started smoking. I exclaimed "GRANDMA! YOUR SMOKING!" her reply "Damn right i'm smoking!", refering to her cigarette in her mouth. As I looked down again a little flame burst out of her pocket and I said "GRANDMA!" she looked at her breast that was now on fire and calmly said "Danget! These were my favorite pajamas!" she then proceded to slowly pull off the side of the road and put out the fire. By this point a hole had burned through her pajamas and started to burn through her bra, thankfully it didn't get that far. She then said "well maybe I can get a cute daisy patch or something to go over it." I replied "Ya!Or a no smoking patch!"

I love my grandma. She brings laughter into my life and the lives of my family. I started this blog to share the funny stories and laughter in hopes that all readers with a crazy relative might get some enjoyment.

For the protection of the innocent... I would like to keep this blog anonymous. I will not use any specific names of family members, police officers, pets, doctors, lawyers, IRS agents, jury members, housemaids, or political affiliates.